I have found myself living inside of my head, more so.
I made a list of things I would love to do but saw at some point maybe even now improbable.
1. Paint a 100ft mural in South America.
2. Make my own designer plastic toys.
3. Become a full time painter.
4. Build a greenhouse when we get a house.
5. Only speak Portuguese for a year.
6. Only eat fresh farmer’s market foods everyday.
7. Make art on the moon.
8. Retire my family all at once, together off my art.
9. Make all my own animation for my videos and make money from it.
These are not all impossible, most aren’t even hard to start doing. I guess there is a fear of failure and a fear of how expensive that failure would be. So I dream out loud and circle them on my calendars and planners.
I think I can do some of them this year. Mostly the Moon one. 🥰🫀
We are only stopped by our mind’s limits. I want to think it’s all a lucid dream. The ocean is my metronome.
If I won all that money? Alec and I dream out loud a lot. We want a beautiful artsy house like Frida Khalo had. She had this amazing Blue house with a courtyard. I would want ours to be dark lime green. It would have only a few rooms but they would be just big enough for the things we wanted in them. So at least two studios and offices and bedrooms and kitchen…and a large TV room with cat towers for the babies.
I guess the big dream is to not worry anymore once the bills would be all paid off. To be able to just relax and feel safe.
I was a duckling same as you and the fluff fell out and I never felt what it meant to be cold again. Childhood left me and as I reached for the stars above me in the middle of the night on a sun deck at a lake house I felt the true disconnect of existence. The true cold was the loneliness. I forgot it and it forgot me, two strangers see each other naked across a skyline and not knowing what to do.
I feel like I’m on a journey. And a journey to find my true self none the less. I don’t know if I’m really looking for the sales anymore so much is the honesty and being creative. I just wanna make something so powerful that it touches people because I’m so passionate about it.
I think I have this moment that I’ve been waiting for to really make an impact since the pandemic started. I’m starting to see it faintly. I was thinking it was with Tiktok but then I started scrolling and it’s nothing there.
No jabs at a place like that but they don’t want great art as much as they want silly videos. I’m silly just not in that way. Then there is Youtube and IG, they don’t really want a lot of great artist either. They have more of us there but they also just want to be entertained in a mindless way. I used to wish I could tap into that but I feel like I might loss myself in the chase. So I’m here, rambling but also finding a real truth in myself.
I feel like I have a real fan base and maybe I need to love them back fully. I have known so many of you for so long. I’ve even talked to you in your last few days alive. It’s heartbreaking but beautiful that you share so much with me. I want to give you the gifts of my work and connect better with you. So please feel free to contact me at email@example.com.
Also feel free to join my mailing list for little art gifts.