Always making
I’m a little late with this one but still important bits of shinny muchness to put on plates for you and yours.
This week’s Painter Files is about Insomnia. All most all creative art type people have it in some way and in that I do too. I have had it off and on like we do for around 30 years maybe. Maybe a little less than 30.
Also, painting updates.
I feel like these are getting more fun for me.
Almost at 100 subscribers.
I need to get back to just listening to podcasts and watching old Japanese samurai movies. It’s an odd sentence I know but I like the work I make when I have one foot in the just now and one foot in the black and white subtitles.
I never saw that finish line. I was the kid who walked the mile. It just seemed pointless to run to get to the starting point of a circle. The goal had no prize. Filling up a book with a pencil was like making my own trophy. And sadly, most people when I showed them as a kid felt the same way about a book of sketches as I did about running in circles. I guess I’m that type of artists. The one who saw kids playing and thought; this would be cooler with a dragon in the corner.
Anyways; it’s Dia De Los Muertos today and I’m thinking about my Avos and my Avas. I miss them. We didn’t really know each other deeply but they helped shape my life in ways. They taught me kindness, food, sometimes anger, bravery and lots of laughter. I have photos of them and a video of one of the last moments in the last month of mone’s life. The other I never met at all but his children shined thru him. And then there is my Marley. She only lived the tiniest of times but means so much to my heart. Parents are not meant to outlive their kids but it happens and you live in that truth. This day is special for me because it is a celebration are their greatness. How much love they had and how much love I gave. And my heart; she is exploding with love. Â She beats out the sadness with songs and joy and creativity.
I got into a show today. If you are in the area please come.
My demons are big. They are faceless and yet look like me every time I look in my dirty mirror. They have made me a hell of a fighter. I remember being a kid and not knowing how I felt about sadness and anger. I remember they just came on one day. It had nothing to do with the people who were around me over even the place I was in. I was the prisoner on Avalon and no one would ever be able to see.  It was a labyrinth and I learned to paint sunshine and flowers on the walls and make it my home.  I learned to be happy and calm without depending on others. Learning how to be creative without the sadness was the hardest part. The pain was my drive and when it lessened I felt like a fraud for a bit. I don’t know how I changed out of those robes. Nakedness is a good word. It was the definition of how I felt until I grew to love my nakedness. So raw and so tender like a 20-year sunburn.  I stopped being Jae Jae and let myself be Jawara. I grew my hair out again and let myself be who I felt like on the inside, a new outside. The journey of a painter guys is not an easy road. it never really gets to be an easy road. But it is so deep and empowering once you hit the ground and make your mark.
I’m at this point where the pain is huge but I want to paint more then I want to rest and rub painkiller cream on the fun bits.
This rocking chair is like a base drum. As the beat hits, I am dancing in my blinks Light bulbs are the rhythm as I move in this motion to the cahone.
I feel like this is where my heart took me. That is felt the yellow ink in the paper and let it dance in the fibers. It was a freedom dance. I know the roads we walk as painters are long but in the soberness, they are also completely freeing. We are so much more than the brooding. It is a big part of it, don’t get me wrong but not the main part of it.
I realized that I shine because the people around me are so bright. I like to think we are each other’s lifelines. We have to be there for each other. Just know I have your back and hopefully you have mine.
for those of us who know me you know how my Friday went.
I was towed while I was in a restaurant in their parking lot because they like to tow Black People. I got my car back free but I have to argue with them for 3 hours. I know some people will not get this and how it hurt me. Not every person understands how it is to be a target of racial profiling. I’m glad if you have never felt what it is like to be a victim. It is awful and you feel helpless. You can’t really react naturally because there is a small chance if the cops show up you could be seen as hostile and either me arrested or shot. You go from victim to criminal very fast.
I’m coming back to painting soon but I needed a few days to make peace with myself for taking a safe path.
It would have been so easy to get lost in the anger.
The short story is
The restaurant confused me with another Black Person who walked off the lot an hour before I got there and was gone before I arrived and then towed me as I ate at the restaurant.  They too cover their ass after figuring out they massively fucked up made up a new story about how the property manager told me I was going to be towed for walking off the lot (which I never did. We walked into the restaurant from our car). They meant to tow a white car and mine is black but we are both Black people. They then tried to make me pay for my car for 3 hours until one of my best friends called her sister who is an attorney in Maryland (I live in Maryland.) With the chance of being sued, they gave me back my car and confessed to the lie completely over the phone.  We might take legal action.
Life is hard for every person but every person doesn’t have to deal with racial discrimination.
I promise to get back soon to painting but I need a minute.
later
Jaws
I make because I love. lol Sounds like pooping.
Inktober is a game we illustrators play in the month of October. 30 days of ink illustrations.
My first illustration I have chosen to do is, El Santos. He reminds me of my Grandma. We used to watch wrestling together as a kid. She would yell and scream and throw things at the tv. It still lives in my mind as a great past time.
jaws_blake 