Always making
We all just want to make good work and make a living at it. A forest of paper and canvas with skies full of clouds of inspiration and rivers of coffee and tea. The spirit animals of many a mind are in the nail bed tapping on the walls as silence is madness.
I loved this so much. It is the big new piece I made before this show in January. I have so much work always but it never feels like enough. I imagine that is normal.
I’m a little late with this one but still important bits of shinny muchness to put on plates for you and yours.
This week’s Painter Files is about Insomnia. All most all creative art type people have it in some way and in that I do too. I have had it off and on like we do for around 30 years maybe. Maybe a little less than 30.
Also, painting updates.
I remember when I was around 10 I stopped sleeping soundly.I would wake up in the middle of the night after hearing a loud sound in my dreams. I would sit up to look around afraid and then see a shadow in a corner hiding under the covers until morning. Somewhere between the crack of light until the covers and having to get up for school I would fall back asleep for maybe an hour. That off and on has been how I sleep now minus the hiding under my covers. I got older and stopped being afraid of shadows. Now I walk around my house with the cat or read articles as I dream Sleepy Tea. Sometimes it works out and sometimes I’m mostly awake for a day until my mind gives up and I’m asleep mid-day. It can be fun like a game you give yourself out of boredom and the rest of the time it can be hell. I never perfected a way to make sure I go back to sleep quickly.
Normally I just paint.
Goose, when she was a kitten, thought it was a game but as time goes by she looks at me from her comfy spot and gives me a “good luck with that” glance.
I would love to tell you it is my art mind planning so loud it hums me awake but honestly, I still have no idea what it is the drives me awake at the time when the world is asleep.
I wonder is this what Frida dealt with in bed for years. Counting the moments until the rest of the world woke up?
A lot of things going one this month coming up. I’m really hoping it all works out perfectly.
Mostly just trying to figure out what I want to teach.
I wash in the middle of thinking about this day and I got sidelined. That happens some times. I get in the groove and then something reminds me of my Marley and I’m taken back. I don’t know that I’m ever going to be … great. I don’t know that I really want to be. Alec is so wonderful and she sees me drift and helps me when I come back. I have this way with me that wants to be here but is traveling through my timeline. That pain is my own personal magnet. It is a planet and I am a space rock. I’m working on living better in the now than being lost in my time.
I’m proud of this one. I feel like I’m getting so much better each time. Also all most at 100 subs. Please subscribe if you enjoy my videos. When I reach 100 I get my own personal web address rather than that long generic one they give.
later
Jaws
I feel like these are getting more fun for me.
Almost at 100 subscribers.
I need to get back to just listening to podcasts and watching old Japanese samurai movies. It’s an odd sentence I know but I like the work I make when I have one foot in the just now and one foot in the black and white subtitles.
I never saw that finish line. I was the kid who walked the mile. It just seemed pointless to run to get to the starting point of a circle. The goal had no prize. Filling up a book with a pencil was like making my own trophy. And sadly, most people when I showed them as a kid felt the same way about a book of sketches as I did about running in circles. I guess I’m that type of artists. The one who saw kids playing and thought; this would be cooler with a dragon in the corner.
Anyways; it’s Dia De Los Muertos today and I’m thinking about my Avos and my Avas. I miss them. We didn’t really know each other deeply but they helped shape my life in ways. They taught me kindness, food, sometimes anger, bravery and lots of laughter. I have photos of them and a video of one of the last moments in the last month of mone’s life. The other I never met at all but his children shined thru him. And then there is my Marley. She only lived the tiniest of times but means so much to my heart. Parents are not meant to outlive their kids but it happens and you live in that truth. This day is special for me because it is a celebration are their greatness. How much love they had and how much love I gave. And my heart; she is exploding with love. Â She beats out the sadness with songs and joy and creativity.
I got into a show today. If you are in the area please come.
This has been one of those years where everything awful has been said over politics. I am done living my life like this anymore. We need to feel like we can make and be anything again. I was always told that good food and amazing music are the vitamins of a healthy soul. So I can feed your stomachs but I can feed your ears. Here is my mix tape just for you this season of beautiful Fall 2017.
I always listen to music when I paint. It takes me to a perfect place to listen to my heart song. I hope these songs find your direction and inspiration.
My demons are big. They are faceless and yet look like me every time I look in my dirty mirror. They have made me a hell of a fighter. I remember being a kid and not knowing how I felt about sadness and anger. I remember they just came on one day. It had nothing to do with the people who were around me over even the place I was in. I was the prisoner on Avalon and no one would ever be able to see.  It was a labyrinth and I learned to paint sunshine and flowers on the walls and make it my home.  I learned to be happy and calm without depending on others. Learning how to be creative without the sadness was the hardest part. The pain was my drive and when it lessened I felt like a fraud for a bit. I don’t know how I changed out of those robes. Nakedness is a good word. It was the definition of how I felt until I grew to love my nakedness. So raw and so tender like a 20-year sunburn.  I stopped being Jae Jae and let myself be Jawara. I grew my hair out again and let myself be who I felt like on the inside, a new outside. The journey of a painter guys is not an easy road. it never really gets to be an easy road. But it is so deep and empowering once you hit the ground and make your mark.
